In honor of today being Columbus Day, please enjoy this list of The Top Things Christopher Columbus Would Say if He Were Alive Today.

I only left Italy because I was tired of women with mustaches.

I don't care how many kids Eddie Murphy has, I'm still the father of the New World!

I guess technically, I was America's first illegal immigrant!

In addition to the Nina and the Pinta, I have christened my newest ship, the Alyssa Milano.

I want to rename my boats the "Kim," the "Khloe," and the "Kourtney."

So why is the leader of your country orange?

Look, I only thought the New World was the Indies because I'm not very bright.

I'm Christopher Columbus, and even I think the name of the Washington football team is racist.

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